Proof of Sanity

Feb 19, 2012 thoughts

My parents mainly my mom is trying to fault my moveout process. I can understand this in a small way. Parents don’t want there kids to move out. But she prides herself in not being a “helocopter” parent. And I think she has almost taken this to the extreme. its not like she isnt there. Its just I’m blamed and belittled for things I feel that I shouldnt be belittled for. Like my bose harsasing me, my two sexually abusive relationships, the school abusing human rights and me being diagnosed with a sight disability. All of these things are my fault in her eyes and somehow I should have full control over then instrantaniously like they never happened. Like I should never have been effected by them, that I shouldnt look for answers and just exept what has happened push it all away. You cant do that with some of these. i feel like a kid without guidence or a parent and its not like I’m not indipendent. Its just i know I have to be so I am. I know i have to go forward so I do.

It just sucks and now I’m old enough so that i have to be the one who doesnt have a parent and I don’t know how to deal with that. ill be ok. Think once I’m free from them it will be a lot better.

Feb 7, 2012 COOL, epic, Took to long to update

Sorry world, it has been crazy

But I got into see the only gatekeeper my province has 1 1/2 year ahead of schedule. And I went to see them and it was great. I have G.I.D officially which is good so now I can get funding for trans stuff. I got a letter so I can change the F to an M on both my drivers and passport. Has well as a letter to keep on me explaining that I’m trans if I ever get in trouble. On that day I also started my “one year test thing”. Needless to say I’m pumped!  

Jan 14, 2012 “T.G” my version of “E.T” by Katy Perry and Kanye West written last April contrantly being edited

Kanye:

 I’m out of my mind

I am in a daze

 I’m trying to live my life

In a normal way

 I’m a legend 

I’m irrelevant

I’m beheaded

I be so fucked-ed-ed up

 We are out of luck –uk uk

 Welcome to the danger zone

Step into reality

 You are not allowed to say you have a single piece of sanity

There calling me an alien

Well your just an astronaut

Maybe its because you keep acting like an “ass a lot”

Katy

Your so patronizing

Though to be the devil 

Your really just an angel 

Your schools polarizing

Feels like I am living

In 1950

I should be afraid

If hating on the other 

Is a love like no other 

Different perspective

 Who could understand you?

Your from a whole nother world

 A different perspective

Your open to lies

And I’m ready to go bring our fight to the light 

Can’t see ca-ca-can’t see

 You try to give me love but the drug is filled with poison

Tell me Te-te-tell me

We are both the victims of airway obstruction

The rumours were all true 

Your a hypocrite 

Love the supernatural,

Kill the terrestrial

Your so psy-chot-ic

In the final hour

You’ll be the crazier 

This air is toxic 

Every move is tragic 

Your from a whole nother world

A different perspective

Your open to lies

And I’m ready to go bring our fight to the light

Can’t see ca-ca-can’t see

You try to give me love but the drug is filled with poison

 Tell me Te-te-tell me

We are both the victims of airway obstruction

The rumours were all true

Your a hypocrite

Love the supernatural

Kill the terrestrial

Kanye

I know a school not to far

Where they treat there students like equals

 Would totally be there right from the start

 But need marks stupid high straight up from the start

 People are sick

 Brain sculls to thick

 Tell me whats next rainbow bricks?

o   (in reference to the Christian school that had colored bricks for each of the sexes, only now its for lgbt and “normal”)

 I’m gonna own you

Then I’m a tone you

 See I know what is true

So I tell you what is true

I tell you what is true

What is true

 What is true

Katy

Can’t see ca-ca-can’t see

 You try to give me love but the drug is filled with poison

Tell me Te-te-tell me

 We are both the victims of airway obstruction

The rumours were all true

 Your a hypocrite 

 Love the supernatural

Kill the terrestrial

Kill the terrestrial

Kill the terrestrial

The rumours were all true 

Your a hypocrite 

Love the supernatural

Kill the terrestrial 

Jan 14,2012 Green Day Lyrics that I changed to better fit life… because why not

He’s an Extraordinary girl
In an ordinary world
And he cant seem to get away

He lacks the courage in his mind
Like a child left behind
Like a pet left in the rain

He’s all alone again
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying
He gets so sick of crying

He sees the mirror of herself
An image he wants to sell
To anyone willing to buy

He steals the image in her kiss
From her hearts apocalypse
From the one called whatsername

He’s all alone again
Wiping the tears from his eyes
Some days he feels like dying
He gets so sick of crying

Jan 10, 2011 Psyc, books and pills

Dec 21, 2011 Depression

I personally see the use of despressent medication has something that should be used in the case of actual medical need. As in events/cases not caused by situation and instead chemical. I have personally see that there is little use in actual “talk” therapy unless you can’t talk yourself. But even then talk therapy only makes you talk, nothing actively gets done to help the person. That is from everything I have seen. So I don’t get why people suggest trans people should go to these two sources for help with depression when the sole cause of that persons depression is trans related problems. Heaven forbid if its anything else or talking helps go to these two sources. 

But its like people who are down and out to put it lightly over being in an abusive situation. Depression medication isn’t going to do anything when its clearly situational. And talking will only do so much has well. What needs to be done is a situational change. The environment must change, or the victim must be removed from the environment. This with proper “debriefing” care is what I believe will help the person in the long run. 

So why do people suggest medication to heal trans related depression? Or people who are being bullied? Its not a chemical issue. 

Instead what you are doing is taking a way pain receptors. To put it in other terms its like a sense of touch. The inability to feel physical pain infact causes a large amount of injuries because a person loses the ability to know when they are hurt. They will for example not move a hand off a hot stove when a person with a sense of touch would. So how is a person who has medically been forced not to feel emotional pain going to do in life situations without emotional pain receptors in working order. Especially in cases where there was no medical need to intervene. I believe that in a sense you create a zombie or a fake person. Sure there not crying themselves to sleep at night but they have lost a part of what it means to be human.

But thats just an unpopular opion. 

Now if talk therapy or medical intervention works for you. It works for you. I’m talking strictly about situational issues. Which are not often fixed via these two methods. 

Dec 18, 2011 Its the 18th because I’m not in bed yet

Random thought maybe I’m bipolar? I seem to jump between crazy suicial and freakishly happy every 5 days…. O.o oh shit. 

Anyway. School stuff. 

I’ve always been down on myself and believed I had no “real” passion for anything. That there was always someone else who had more passion than in. If I got something I wanted it wasn’t fair because I figured someone else would want it more. Ya I’m nuts, I only put this strangeness on me and no one else. I blame the approval disorder. But anyway I relieved that there is no one more passionate than me about being in the science program (that I know, I mean you could be has passionate has me, or even more passionate…. in which case we CAN be friends). So I see no reason for me not to change my classes back to there original science mess. But at the same time in the back of my mind I don’t believe in myself. The school has done an amazing job of ribbing my self of steam apart here. So i don’t think I should go back into the sciences, but I really want to. Especially the microbiology, or the intro genetics or brain and behaviour >.< Oooo I want you all.  

Dec 14, 2011 So what?

I’m in a strange place. I want to go, but I don’t want to go at the same time. I can’t see this world getting much better. My passion of science is gone and even if I had it, what would I do? I’d still have to go though that insain process of “real” transitioning. You know the kind were your out in the workplace and what not. Cause coming out and still looking like a girl to most people doesn’t cut it with them. And then there’s family, they don’t want me to switch. I’m stuck. And then just dysphoria in general, I say it like its easy. But trust me and the rest of us its not. Idk I just don’t see it getting better, and I’m just so tired of having to drag myself though it day in and day out. I mean really you can only fight for so long. And I’ve been on the depression/going train for 7 years now. I mean it drains you and you just give up. But at the same time there are little moments every now and then that are happy and you want to stick around for those. But its also really hard to live only on those highs in life. 

Dec 12, 2011 why’d you say that?

Sigh. I had a conversation with the guy I’m dating. I don’t think it went well. He told me how he tries to make his world easier by telling people he’s dating a girl instead of a guy. And I’m fine-ish with that. Family, got ya totally get it. But most other people you can get away with saying ‘I’m dating RANDOM UNISEX name’ and if they insist say I’m trans or something. But then he continues on to tell me that he doesn’t see me has a guy most of the time. Particularly when where making out. And yes I know faab boobs are present, you claim to be straight (don’t ask how this relationship works I have no clue). But for the love of god dont tell me you see me like that. I mean I hope it hasn’t done it for me when were making out. But this is the first relationship where I have actually thought I was equal to the person I was dating. And now all of a sudden Im not. Now I don’t exist its all about ‘her’ for how ever long it is and that cuts deep. And I don’t know how to tell him that. He’s terrible despite how hard he tries with all this trans stuff. Just terrible, dont touch the boobs what does he do right after I tell him. Do not mention the boobs in basic conversation or when saying sorry about hitting boob by accident because that freaks me out. Isn’t dysforia great! But no he does it again and again and right after I tell him. I don’t get it, i really don’t i mean i have no idea how to tell him about this stuff. And he feels terrible for it, he really does I don’t want to paint him in a bad light. But it just hurts so much knowing im just some bat crazy girl to him.

Dec 10, 2011 They took away my Courage {Trigger Somewhere}

Well I switched my classes around yesterday…. again (ok did tumbler get auto correct?). And has a result of that, I’m not in my intro Chem anymore but am in a 300 level (most schools 200) course. When I was about to get into “Intro to Genetics” the very thing that I was going to major in. Genetics that is. Everyone is saying that I should wait till I get the learning assessment back before I go into anything “science” like or “hard”. Idk it just feels like I’m only capable of doing really stupid or lame classes (sorry to anyone who is taking these classes with passion, it just isn’t my passion). Everyone is telling me I can’t be a scientist anymore. That I have to pick something else. Its so heartbreaking. I’m second guessing all of my abilities, I can’t do anything. I feel like I’m turning into a vegetable I’m just so damn useless it seems! And I hate it. I know I’m smart I’m not an idiot. But I can’t do anything, so that makes me an idiot. 

DAMN THIS SCHOOL! They can’t get rid of me so they get rid of everything I have. All I have left is my pride. But I guess I’ll be going to a lame ass school soon. Or become a drop out. Then I’ll lose my pride you’ll see.

And last night I was so damn suicidal. But I cried most of the night with my boyfriend (didn’t tell me anything obviously). And I just cried cause I didn’t want to lose him. But Its becoming more and more apparent to me that he’s straight. And he see’s me has a very obvious girls in appearance, despite how hard I try to pass. And a guy somewhere on the inside, but from what I gather he doesn’t see that all the time. Sigh. He just doesn’t get this whole trans thing at all. Did I do a bad job of explaining it? Probably I am an idiot after all. But I mean this morning (he stayed the night because I was being so winey and didn’t want to see him leave). He triggers me 4 times with the same damn thing. And each time I told him “hey don’t do that, hey don’t do that”. He always tells me to tell him when he’s doing something, but he don’t listen so there’s no damn point. Damn it he should just find a real girl to date. He’s to good for me and honestly he wants something that actually likes its boobs.

I mean I don’t know where people get this crap that “it gets better, just hold on”. Its been getting WORST ever since grade 8 and that was a really long time ago! Idk I know one day I will go. Just not today or tomorrow, maybe a year from now. Who knows.

The think that makes me laugh though is how people always say go to a councillor or get on anti depressants. Honey, talking does’t make the trans go away, which means not many of my other problems will. And the best anti depressant for a trans person is treatment. Its been proven time and time again. But no one can give treatment. Its Alberta, hate all that aren’t white, rich and christian am I right?